Perimenopause in the Time of Apocalypse
Do not attempt a spiritual experience.
Perimenopause in the Time of Apocalypse
Do not attempt a spiritual experience.
Tell your OBGYN you need your brain to work. Take antidepressants for non-depression symptoms because your country doesn’t care about you enough to invest in your health, particularly when aging.
Read on Threads that volunteer archivists have recreated the CDC website. It is being hosted in Europe.
Google immigration requirements for Spain and Portugal.
Remember you are trying to de-Google your life.
Think of your step-mom who died when she was four years older than you are now, when your youngest sibling was just 15. Wonder what the world will be like for your children in 15 years. Remember you cannot imagine the next 15 months.
Update your will.
Download the Lose It! app. Tell yourself it is to track protein.
Explain to your elected officials why you should not lose your right to vote. Explain that your last name is your maternal grandmother’s maiden name, and you chose it post-divorce because you wanted not a fresh start, but an ancestral matriarchal resurrection.
Drink collagen every morning. Slather collagen on your skin every night. Make collagen brownies. (j/k, that’s not a thing.)
Lift heavy weights—the heaviest you can. Hope the heavy lifting is to snatch bone density and muscle mass back from the hands of time—not the possibility of punching Nazis.
Save money for a new tattoo instead of progressive lenses because your body still has stories to tell.
Sign up for newsletters from the World Health Organization and Al Jazeera.
Make HPV vaccine appointments for your kids. Throw in an MMR for good measure.
Meet friends for drinks and escape plans. Turn your phones off so Zuck or Bezos or insert billionaire white man doesn’t eavesdrop. Try to forget that alcohol is poison and the WHO says there is no safe level of consumption. Thank the waiter when he tells you they are out of rum.
Wake up at 4 am smelling like your 16-year-old’s gym socks. Try the breathing exercise that works for Navy SEALs. Try not to pick up your phone. Try not to think about the scars on your kid's arms, your house that hasn’t sold, your newfound self-doubt, your non-existent retirement account. When your husband asks about your sudden anxiousness, explain that 20 - 58% of women (no one cares enough to be sure) develop anxiety during perimenopause.
Also, everything.
Text your friend a list of go bag contents for families. Imagine taking 15 gallons of water anywhere.
(collagen brownies ARE a thing.)
Freeze your credit history. Download your social security statement. Print paper maps.
Go to Goodwill for a new-to-you, two-sizes-larger wardrobe. Stand in front of the dressing room mirror in your underwear. Try to recognize your body as your own. Like all white people, you have that one great-great-Indigenous-grandmother. Try to find comfort in the Indigenous wisdom that mid-life weight gain protects you from becoming frail. You cannot be frail in the time of apocalypse.
Inspired by Buying a House Ahead of the Apocalypse by Jocelyn Nicole Johnson and Rachel Yoder’s Off Assignment Writing Motherhood course. Highly recommend.